Steve Stockman Seeks New Unpaid Intern For Last Days In Congress

Failed US Senate candidate and slumlord Steve Stockman may only have twelve calendar days left in this second act of his Congressional career, but that doesn’t mean he’s given up on finding a new intern to help him ‘shake up’ the House of Representatives.

The House’s most unique and courageous conservative seeks smart, happy interns (of all ages and backgrounds) for the reminder of the year. Alas, we cannot pay you. Schedules and start/end dates are negotiable if you’re worth it. We do not insist on specific, arbitrary submissions: send us whatever personal materials you think will give us reason to hire you, even if that’s just a standard boring resume and canned cover letter. Writing samples are encouraged, but not required, because even a short cover letter belies and betrays a lousy writer. Brevity is the soul of wit. This Member is not a jerk, and neither loathes nor avoids interns, but loves them, and actually speaks to them. If you are selected for this internship you will have extraordinary access to the Member and to meaningful projects that go well beyond the standard intern grunt work (or your money back). Personality and ideology are important. Please bring a confident, vigorous intellect and no drama. Ideal candidates will be true patriots who can count up to 17 in trillions, and care more about future generations than they do about sucking up to current leadership. Mushy pleasers/appeasers keep walkin’. HINT: vapid granolas who fear guns, hate babies, are ashamed of America, and think Islamic terrorists and illegal aliens are just misunderstood will not be comfortable here.

Gee, what twentysomething wouldn’t be thrilled to have Steve Stockman “actually speak to them”? Surely Stockman will have an easy time finding a literate millennial who hates gays and granola as much as he does, and who craves the experience of helping run a dead-ender’s office in its final weeks on Capitol Hill…at their own expense. Surely!